Pics coming soon!

In 2004, A&E brought us ‘Growing up Gotti’  and introduced the world to the blow out, orange skin, and ‘guidos.’  I am not going to lie, I was in to it.  I wanted to find me a nice juicehead guido.  I was living in Jersey at the time and guidos and guidettes were running rampant, once summer hits they all go one place, and that place is the Jersey Shore *or Neptunes AKA ‘Tunes in the Hamptons.* Five years late on the trend, MTV and the Jersey Shore cast reintroduced the world to guido culture – which happens to be quite popular in all of the Northeast.  Being Italian, and living in New Jersey for a few years, I know a thing or two about fistumping, battling to house music, and GTL. You might have never guessed it but this Billyburg chick has spent some serious time down the shore and I am going to have to rep it for a minute.

I just graduated college and I really wanted to a shore house in Belmar *where real guides go, PAH-LEASE, no one goes to Seaside unless you are 18 or white trash.* I couldn’t rally enough people on my own, and found a sick house on Craigslist.  So there I was, in a house with 18 strangers all from Westchester and Jersey. If someone filmed our house, I guarantee it would’ve been way more interesting than the shit we are seeing now.   We had many roommate hookups, we had one guy dating another guy in the house’s sister, which in turn means we had many fights, we had a drug dealer, we had a random 35 year old who tried to regulate everyone, we went to Djais and Headliners every night, and although no hot tub, *because no one actually does* we had lots of drama.

If you plan to head down the shore this summer and observe these creatures in their element – here is a list of some some basic Do’s and Dont’s.

Do:

• (Gents) Add an ‘ey’ or an ‘ie’ to your name, especially if you’re a guy.  ie: Joey, Mikey, Pauley
• (Gents) Rate the looks of people on a scale of 1-10
• (Gents) Roll down to the shore in style
• (Gents) GTD – Gym Tanning Dinner, or better yet BGD – BEACH Gym Dinner (Real shore-goers actually go to the beach, not tanning! Well, unless its raining. then its fake-n-bake time)
• (Gents) Rock a faux-hawk
• Go to Belmar, Point Pleasant, or Manasquan
• Go to DJais, Headliners (Sat night only,), Jenks, or maybe the Osprey.  Surf Club and Tiki for day drinking.
• (Ladies) Flatiron or pomp your hair.  Kim Kardashian curls will work too. (Don’t forget the fake eyelashes!)
• (Ladies) Wear Bebe, Guess, or even Forever 21.  Tight and short – always good.  Boobs out – a must.
• Get your picture taken by NJGuido.com or TheHotshotz
• Practice your best guido shuffle before heading down.
• Bring plenty of cash with you.  Shots of Patron are not cheap.

Don’t:

• (Gents) Give yourself a bogus nickname like “The Situation”
• (Gents) Refer to people as grenades or catastrophes, that’s just ridiculous.
• (Gents) Tattoo the brand of your car on your body.
• (Gents) GTL – who does laundry down the shore, that is unheard of.
• (Gents) Rock a blow out
• Go to Seaside – unless you are 18 or live in a trailer.
• Go to Karma
• (Ladies) Get bleach blond highlights if you are in fact a brunette
• (Ladies) Wear anything that remotely resembles Ed Hardy
• Film your own reality show.
• Dance barefoot at clubs, or bang on the dance floor.  That’s (A) nasty and (B) straight trashy.
• Work at a ‘Guido’ T-shirt shop.